No problem, people. The explanation is obvious...

OK, a lot of you are thinking to yourselves "What the F*** is he talking about?" even more than usual. It's ok, I got this; read on.

To wit, let's review what he tweeted, shall we:

California wildfires are being magnified & made so much worse by the bad environmental laws which aren't allowing massive amounts of readily available water to be properly utilized. It is being diverted into the Pacific Ocean. Must also tree clear to stop fire from spreading!

— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) August 6, 2018

And:

Governor Jerry Brown must allow the Free Flow of the vast amounts of water coming from the North and foolishly being diverted into the Pacific Ocean. Can be used for fires, farming and everything else. Think of California with plenty of Water - Nice! Fast Federal govt. approvals.

10:43 AM - Aug 6, 2018

 

OK. There are 4 possible options, but only one covers everything he said. I'll debunk the other three first. Coming from "the North" basically could be Oregon, Washington, Canada and the Arctic.  Let's go:

 

1. The Arctic: NOPE. This was the easiest, so let's get it out of the way first. The only reason there could be loads of water flowing from the Arctic is if the polar ice caps were melting from global warming. And we all know that in MAGA-Amerika, global warming is a hoax invented by the Chinese, am I right? Can I get a witness? (Too much? OK, I'll move on...)

 

2. Washington: WRONG AGAIN. This actually had some merit. I am sure that, with the amount of rainfall that Washington gets, some of it must flow off into the Pacific. If anyone could look at the situation and think "All that rain... can't we just catch it and send it to California? Catch it, like in a big bucket?", it would be Donald J. "Bone Spurs" Trump. Unless I'm wrong and you see the Army Corps of Engineers constructing a giant bucket and the world's longest garden hose where they just tore down the Space Needle, I don't think this is it.

 

3. Oregon: ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Remember last summer, when like the entire state was on fire? I live in central Oregon, and it hasn't rained in about 2 months. People here are terrified that one stray idiot's cigarette or a lightning strike from a "dry" thunderstorm is going to turn our state into the surface of Mercury any minute now. Trust us; no water goes to waste.

 

4. Canada: YOU GUESSED IT! Bear with me, because this gets involved, and the whole "tree clear" thing was the key. Donald J. "No Collusion" Trump has gone out of his way to make an enemy of the country we share our longest contiguous border with. OK, now from this point, I have to assume that you have read Frank Herbert's "Dune" or at least seen David Lynch's movie version. Apparently (and I must stress this is just a theory), we have been killing Canadians en masse for some time and just very wastefully dumping them into the Pacific Ocean. Donald J. "Muad' dib" Trump has had a vision: Step 1- much like the Fremen of Arrakis, we clear all the trees from the USA and turn our country into a desert. Step 2 - all the Canadians we kill, we harvest for the water of their bodies, giving us a never ending supply of water. Step 3 - the worms native to the USA grow to enormous size and start producing "spice". Step 5 - The "spice" gives Donald J. "Kwisatz Haderach" Trump a lifespan of thousands of years, where he rules as "God-Emperor". (Yes we skipped Step 4, where he gets the ability to see into the past, present, and future, because according to the MAGAdiots, he already has that.)

 

OK. Are you still with me? Good. Thanks for that, because there actually is an option 5:

 

That Donald J. "Unbelievably, The President of the United States of America" Trump is even more bat-shit crazy than any of the theories I expounded on above, and that no one who is in the position to be a "Check & Balance" on the President is willing to do a gods damned thing about it. And that, gentle readers, should be scaring the crap out of us.